31 LOL Quotes That Totally NAIL Your Crazy Relationship. There's a funny thing about love, and it's called everything. Thankfully, some of our favorite comedians can relate, and we found the love quotes to prove it. Not only are these funny love quotes, they're 100 percent spot on.
31 LOL Quotes That Totally NAIL Your Crazy Relationship
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| 31 LOL Quotes |
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
— Will Ferrell
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough."
— Russell Brand
"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
— Rita Rudner
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
— Chelsea Peretti
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
— Natasha Leggero
"I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10 percent sex, 90 percent guilt."
— Henny Youngman
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
— Garry Shandling
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."
— Richard Jeni
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
— Lily Tomlin
"Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner."
— Jerry Seinfeld
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
— Joan Rivers
"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."
— Chelsea Handler
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
— George Burns
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
— Groucho Marx
"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
— Woody Allen
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something."
— Fran Lebowitz
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers."
— Richard Pryor
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
— Chris Rock
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
— Rodney Dangerfield
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself."'
— Johnny Carson
"My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor."
— Elayne Boosler
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
— Ray Romano
"I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early."
— Jack Benny
"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
— Unknown
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
— Larry David
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
— Billy Crystal
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
— Bill Maher
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
— Jackie Mason
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings."
— David Sedaris
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."
— Phyllis Diller
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."
— Erma Bombeck
If you're searching for the best quotes and memes to share with the people you love (or just want to feel inspired yourself) ... look no further! From the sweetest love quotes, inspirational sayings, and hilarious relationship truths, we've got you covered.
— Will Ferrell
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough."
— Russell Brand
"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
— Rita Rudner
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
— Chelsea Peretti
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
— Natasha Leggero
"I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10 percent sex, 90 percent guilt."
— Henny Youngman
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
— Garry Shandling
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in."
— Richard Jeni
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
— Lily Tomlin
"Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner."
— Jerry Seinfeld
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
— Joan Rivers
"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family."
— Chelsea Handler
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
— George Burns
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
— Groucho Marx
"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
— Woody Allen
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something."
— Fran Lebowitz
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers."
— Richard Pryor
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
— Chris Rock
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
— Rodney Dangerfield
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself."'
— Johnny Carson
"My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor."
— Elayne Boosler
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
— Ray Romano
"I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early."
— Jack Benny
"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
— Unknown
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
— Larry David
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
— Billy Crystal
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
— Bill Maher
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
— Jackie Mason
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings."
— David Sedaris
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."
— Phyllis Diller
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."
— Erma Bombeck
If you're searching for the best quotes and memes to share with the people you love (or just want to feel inspired yourself) ... look no further! From the sweetest love quotes, inspirational sayings, and hilarious relationship truths, we've got you covered.